It’s an article I have a hard time writing, even though I know it’s essential to do it. It will make me feel better, that it might “help” other people who are going through it the same way: you are not alone!🥰
But it’s hard because it’s diving right into the emotional tornado I’ve been going through these last 2 years, and that has awakened my archaic wounds (childhood wounds)!!🥺, and that my husband and kids have been going through too!💖💙💖💙
This article I started over a year ago, and I only wanted to come back to it now: I needed time to put words to my aches and pains, to my suffering! But as this challenging time of the year approached (the date when my dad past away), I told myself that it was time to do it. To finally finish this “page” of grief…and turn to happiness and the future surrounded by the love of my husband, children, true friends and family! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
First, you need to know: my dad died of a heart attack at 70, almost 2 years ago! For the rest of my life, I will remember the message from my “sister’s” husband who told me the news!!😢
It was a shock, the collapse of my foundation… We had to react fast because as you know, we live in Canada: buy the flights, book the car, prepare the suitcases… All this in a state of semi-consciousness: I left like an automaton… Fortunately, my husband managed all this because I didn’t have the strength!
It was tough for all of us to say goodbye to him. I first saw my big aspergirl express her pain physically: I was devastated, and so were they! They lost their grandpa!😢😢
We respected their needs during this mourning (like mine and my husband’s!): not to impose them the ceremony, to go see my dad at the funeral home (even me, I couldn’t!). And I think it is essential to respect the way each person mourns, react to death even if it goes against “what we should do.” I had reproachful looks of incomprehension on my way of responding, on those of my children… But I held on for them and for me (with the support of my husband!!): Suffering is selfish, and we have to protect ourselves 😔
After we returned home, we had to keep going, especially for the children: they are the ones who bring us back to life! Through their energy, their love🥰🥰. I could not have gone through this ordeal without the support of my husband, a solid man I can count on! He managed a lot, cashed in during this difficult time!💙💙
Indeed, the death of a loved one, beyond the grief of the loss, will change you, transform you…You realize many things and face your past wounds ( which sometimes reveal themselves during this period – bringing out everything buried!). To give you an image of what happens: take a solid house 🏡with a good foundation and the day this house loses one of its foundation pillars: it’s the “drama”! It wobbles, leans and either it collapses, or the master builder (yourself) analyzes the problem, fixes it, and the house goes back for an excellent long life!🤩
How did I experience the death of my dad? It was an earthquake that shook my foundations, which I thought were solid… However, thanks to the help of professionals (our therapist😍) and my close friends, I managed to rebuild myself little by little. Unfortunately, I still have work to do even though I have already made good progress!
In addition to this earthquake, there was another “problem”: my dad’s death completely changed the relationship with the family on his side 😔 (my parents divorced over 35 years ago)! Working with my therapist, I realized that my dad was “the cement” that held this family together ( another construction parallel!). So, in addition to the loss of my dad, I had to mourn the loss of the relationship we had (I cared a lot about these people!) And honestly, I believe that it is the hardest: to make the mourning of a deceased person is possible with time, but making it for living people is complicated (always a hope, expectations ….)! Don’t get me wrong, I do not say that the mourning is not tricky either, but in our mind, we know that this person will not return: it is impossible – no hope!
Maybe with time, we will reconnect, but it will not be the same, and I do not expect anything more… If it happens, why not! I want to live in peace, not in anger or sadness, disappointment…☺️
I think I have only one piece of advice to give you, if I may to: live your grief as you wish, do what you need to do to rebuild yourself! It is the only thing to do. But you have to be aware that this will make you feel lonely sometimes: many people are uncomfortable with grief (it’s understandable because it’s not an easy situation to deal with), don’t know what to say, how to act or are even consumed by anger, which leads them to unusual behaviours.
If you are part of the entourage of a person in mourning, just say “I’m here if you need me” and don’t get offended if the person doesn’t call on you: it’s not that they don’t love you but that they don’t feel like talking to you about it, or even talking about it at all!☺️
Personally, I have only managed to talk about my grief to 3/4 people!🥰
Having lived through it, I can confirm that you go through all the phases of grief (shock, denial, anger/mourning, sadness, resignation, acceptance and rebuilding). But not in any specific order: you will navigate between the different phases…And sometimes you think you’re done with one step and then hop back to it…That’s normal, and everyone experiences it differently! There are no rules. 🤩
As for my family, the mourning was complicated too: my husband was also marked. Still, he is more Cartesian than I am, so he was fast to think about the effects, the why…what to do to react and get back on track! Of course, it shook him up, but he took things in hand and started to move forward again because, as my dad said shortly before his death, “you only live once. You have to enjoy it”.
For my children, it was a cataclysm with a completely different reaction:
-my son 💙didn’t realize it right away, it took time, and he had a lot of anger against life, felt abandoned by his grandpa…It took more than a year before it calmed down (a hypersensitive one who suffers).
-my daughter 💖 exploded in France for the ceremony: her sadness came out with a vast crying fit. It was so hard to see her suffering like that, but I was “happy” that it came out…It was the first time it happened because usually, she has a hard time expressing her emotions due to her autism. She asked a lot of questions, sometimes very “technical” (did his heart suddenly stop? did he feel it?…), talked about it with her shrink… And she didn’t understand certain attitudes, but with time she mourned. Even if it marked her forever (like her brother!), she is looking towards her future, her teenage life…
But they were both afraid afterwards of losing my husband and me because my dad’s death taught them that life can rip you away from them without warning!💙💖💙💖
They helped me hold on and hold on to life!🥰🥰🥰🥰
We talked a lot with them! Also, we let them get their feelings out (anger, sadness…) as much as possible. And We answered all their questions honestly and sincerely while showering them with love.😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘
Honestly, I didn’t think it would wipe me out so much (even though I knew it would be hard). I thought I would be completely independent of my parents (having cut the cord, as they say)… Well, I wasn’t!🥺
It really made me realize that life can be short, so you have to enjoy your life, make your dreams come true and live in tune with yourself without worrying about what others may think!
So I decided to do my book project📚, I started knitting🧶 ( need to create something that stays), I decided to clean up my wounds, trying to help them heal to live a soothed and happy life…I’m not there yet, but I’m working hard on it!💪🏻
This earthquake has led to a resurgence of behaviours that I have to accept (acceptance for a few weeks!) and learn to live with: a fear of drama if I am happy, somatization, hypochondria, a need for routine, and to isolate myself sometimes…
My therapist is helping me to work on them and accept them😏. And this trauma made me realize that I want to only do what I want to do. And to assume who I am: A HIGHLY POTENTIAL HYPERSENSITIVE who is a writer publishing her books📚, writing articles📄 and a fully present mommy to her kids 💙💖! I am so lucky to have all 3 of them (my husband, kids…) and be surrounded only by sincere, authentic friends who love and accept us like we are (without any judgment)!!! 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
But once again, everyone manages, lives and feels it as they can, as they want to and different from others because it is specific to each person, with their personality and past. So everyone reacts in their own way, even if it’s not always easy, we have to accept it!
I decided to tackle the archaic wounds of my childhood because I didn’t want to live in intense anger for the rest of my life. I want to live in peace and harmony with my being, my loves, and my friends… My dad made me “understand” that our wounds, our fears prevent us from moving forward and thoroughly enjoying our life! It is intense and long work, but we manage to accept, more or less quickly, who they are, why they are there and especially to live with them “in harmony.” There are always moments when they bleed, but they heal faster. Acceptance is already a big part of this work and a great help to live things as best as possible!👍🏻
I always write in my journal; I even wrote letters to my dad and people dear to my heart to put down all these wounds, these sufferings, give them back, and make peace with it all! I burned these letters so that they would fly away forever: it did much good and took away a weight!
But once again, that’s what help me to feel good!
To finish, I will tell you: ” in our atypical family, this mourning has upset our life without filter and without compromise.” Yet, we lived it as we needed to, even if it upset/hurt us, and that it distanced us from close ones!
After sharing with you this difficult moment of our life, of my life, I feel lighter and calmer!🥰
Thank you for your support, for listening to me and don’t hesitate to let me know if you want to talk, to share: “I’m here if you need me!”😘
I wanted to finish (promise this is the last thing I write😉!) by thanking everyone :
-who has been there for me,
-who has surrounded me with their love friendship and, supported me in this whirlwind, and allowed me not to drown and to take back my life!😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😘😏
As my dad used to say: you only live once, you have to make the most of it!!!🤩✨🐻
1…2…3…!!!! Let’s share😊😊😊😊
P.S.: my friend Marina’ gave me a beautiful illustration that shows you what my daddy stands for. We called him “grandpa bear” because sometimes he grunted, but he was a real sweet teddy bear!
THANK YOU, Marina’💙💖